If you’ve been looking for advice about early ejaculation, have you seen those “best ever sex positions to last longer in bed” articles?
You surely have. Every sex blogger has written one and it can be solid advice. Couples are routinely having sex in positions that aren’t optimal for duration or even pleasure. Or the guy is supporting himself or moving his body in ways that make him come sooner.
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For example, here’s a recent post from sex therapist Vanessa Marin about her three recommended positions. Spoiler alert: it’s cowgirl, lotus position and spooning. But Vanessa does a good job of explaining why this helps men to last longer.
And I teach a couple of positions on my course too. I offer an optimised version of the guy-on-top missionary position, and a partner-on-top position that works for longer sex sessions. And I go into quite a bit of detail on how to get in and out of these positions like a pro.
So this is all sensible advice. What you’re currently doing probably isn’t helping, here’s a better position you can try and have fun with your partner in the process.
BUT we have a problem with new sex positions
And the problem is: you won’t do it.
It’s a bit like lifting weights and getting your form right.
Let’s say you’re into doing squats and you’re up to a decent weight. But something isn’t quite right – you’ve plateaued or you can’t do enough reps or it all feels a bit shaky. Correcting your form is the fix for this, along with eating properly and getting enough rest.
So you watch videos and do lots of research into recommended ways to squat. Again, a lot of sensible advice out there from people who know what they’re talking about.
But then you get in the squat rack, and you squat just like you did before. Or you try adjusting, you make an effort to follow the advice but sooner or later you revert back.
Why? Because the new form is an unfamiliar movement pattern. And maybe it feels risky too, when you have 160 kilos on your back. You feel vulnerable there, in the middle of the gym with everyone else doing their thing, glancing in the mirror.
Your form might not be perfect but you got this far, this strong. And you have muscle memory – your body just does it.
And improving your form, especially if it’s more than just a tweak, will require some kind of reset. You’ll need to go lighter, maybe just squatting with the bar to start off.
Your ego may well struggle with this. It feels like going backwards, it’s not what you’re in the gym to do, you’re going to look like a beginner.
Fixing your sexual form
Say you’ve been learning about better sex positions. Working on your sexual form, if you like. Will you be in bed, with your partner, getting it on and start doing the new thing?
It might cross your mind, you might make a token effort. But you probably won’t do it. Again, it’s a different movement pattern and it requires some kind of reset.
If you’re going to get used to moving differently during sex, it’s difficult to achieve this in the hot throws of passion. Your partner needs to be on board, so a conversation is required too. That might be awkward. You’ll feel vulnerable, like a beginner.
It’s easier to carry on doing what you do, even if it’s not optimal. Even if it doesn’t last very long or is unsatisfying. Muscle memory can keep us stuck, in bed and in the gym.
And I think adjusting our sexual technique is probably harder than addressing our squat form. The pressure of keeping up our performance and satisfying our partner is heavier than that 160 kilos on the bar. We’re not surrounded by bros looking at us in the mirror, but our partner is right there. We feel under pressure.
Finding the confidence to experiment
There’s something else that weightlifting form and sexual positions have in common. Things might not go to plan.
You need to be able to experiment, to follow the advice and find what works best for you.
In bed, some men find that being underneath with their partner on top helps them last longer. They stay more relaxed this way. But other guys find they come even quicker when they aren’t on top.
Depending on their proportions, couples find different angles and positions work better than others. There’ll be some trial and error.
Learning new sex positions can feel like playing twister. That’s fun if you’re talking about it together and not trying to perform, not trying to play it cool. You may need to lighten up and approach it this way or you just won’t get the benefits.
Couples get stuck with positions and sexual routines that get them by. But if they lighten up, try out a position fully clothed and play around with this, they make progress. They take the pressure off themselves. Their sexual connection becomes more fun in the process.
This might sound new, a bit daunting perhaps. Can you be this vulnerable and open with your partner?
Try it and see. Begin the conversation. You probably can, and the lifting of pressure makes a huge difference to settling into sex, moving optimally and lasting longer.