I want to have sex with my wife, but I make excuses

Holiday season is a time for intimacy and connection. But Mark’s PE anxiety means excuses and avoidance. How can he break out of this trap?

Mark writes:

We have been married for 22 years, with one daughter and full lives as we are both self employed. I have a life long premature ejaculation and never been good at sex even though I still get aroused often. My wife and I do not get much time for sex what with work and we crash into bed tired every day. In a way this works for me as I don’t need to “perform” that often. I take care of myself in private the rest of the time.

At Christmas we have more time and I’d say we deserve it. We haven’t travelled anywhere this year but we usually spend a week in Spain. We had our daughter and her husband here for the big day but now they have gone home. It is Boxing Day today and just me and my wife here.

We have been flirting in the kitchen and I know that we both want to spend some time in the bedroom, but I keep dodging it. My premature ejaculation is quicker than ever these days and I make excuses to get out of it. Like in the evenings I know that if I suggest watching a film we will both get tired and sleep right after. I feel stupid as I love my wife and sex is important. I need to man up and get a grip, I don’t want things to be like this. That is my story today and I hope it helps.

When work and family schedules are rammed, it’s really hard for couples to make time for sex. This is a cliche of marriage. It’s also kind of convenient for men who struggle with PE, but not in the long term.

When intimacy does occur, maintenance sex might be the norm. Orgasms and excitement are barely on the agenda; we’re pleased that we managed to stay awake long enough to get aroused. When this is the routine, our PE problem just gets pushed along.

Then the holiday season or a travel vacation comes around, bringing the prospect of intimacy and recharging our sexual bond. There can be leisurely long mornings in bed and opportunities for sexual spontaneity. In the movies, this is when desire prevails and hot, intense action follows.

I think this expectation is particularly acute around Christmas time. Right after the family festivities of Christmas Day, two thirds of couples say that they feel more amorous. Maybe it’s all the frenetic activity and anticipation leading up to the big day, and the massive sense of relief right after.

For those of us with performance hangups, this presents a dilemma. We’d love to light her up like a Christmas tree, but performance worries get in the way. For some men, this is a familiar feeling every year. Without the excuses of early morning meetings or exhaustion, we might even use Christmas as a reason to avoid intimacy.

Don’t despair, Mark. Remember that this sense of expectation is magnified in the mind. Maybe you are anxious to make everything perfect, to make up for the absence of intimacy during the working year. And that’s a perfectly natural, loving instinct.

You say that you are ejaculating quicker than ever, and this raises questions. Have you been experiencing any other stresses or fears in your day-to-day? Have you spoken to your doctor about these concerns? Has anything changed in the dynamic of your marriage? These are all fundamental to addressing the problem in the longer term, and plenty of help and information is available.

Right now, take a few moments to reflect. Flirtation shows that your wife wants you – the man that she knows and loves. You can get this on right now. There are a multitude of awesome ways that you can both enjoy sex without everything hinging on PIV performance. Avoidance is often a result of us overthinking this whole thing, putting our PE worries centre stage. Often, we just need to break out of the routine.

Moving forward, the gift that you can give to yourself and your wife is actively working on your sexual confidence. It’s all about learning and playing with the techniques, noting what works, what doesn’t and how your bodies respond. With a bit of effort, any man can learn how to better manage his sexual excitement. It’s an ability that we can develop and improve throughout our sexual lives, and bring immense pleasure into the relationship in the process.

Enjoy all the opportunities that Santa brings, and don’t let anxiety or sexual perfectionism hold you back. It’s a process of growth and development together, through the holiday season and beyond.


If you’d like to ask Jason a question or share your experience, feel free to get in touch.

Disclaimer: this site is run and moderated by Jason Dean, a qualified psychotherapist. But he is not your psychotherapist. All content and comment is an expression of opinion, not a medical diagnosis or consultation.

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