John writes:
I’ve been an early ejaculator for as long as I can remember. It’s usually not very premature, but if I’m very turned on I could come in the first 10s of penetrative sex. I’ve tried all the common techniques short of medication: start-stop, distraction, squeeze, even numbing condoms. Although these things help, I feel like they don’t really address the problem.
I’d like to be able to have uninterrupted penetrative sex for as long as she needs to get off. I’m aware that many women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and I have no problem going down on a woman forever. No problems if they get off on anything outside of penetrative sex. But when it comes to penetrative sex, for women who really like it, and who can reach orgasm through it, I wish I could go harder/longer/faster, especially when they ask for it.
But, when things are getting hot and heavy, and they want ‘more’, I have to stop-start. The problem, as I see it, is that I get turned on really quickly. I can go from nothing to everything FAST, purely from thinking. If she does something that I find hot (for example, asking me to go hard), I can feel myself go from 0 to 100 in a second. That’s where I feel like the problem is. I can’t cruise in that plateau (I’ve had rare experiences with this, but they are rare). I can’t stay at 60-70mph. It feels to me like my problem is really a psychological one, where I need to learn how to not get so turned on so quickly.
And yes, I know that there are things I can do to take those breaks, but for some women, I’ve just found that they don’t want me stop. They don’t want me to go down on them again. They just want to fuck hard, without pausing. And I wish I could give that to them, if that’s what they’re into.
So… how could I work on this?
Thanks John for sharing. Countless numbers of men quietly despair over the dilemma that you describe so accurately. This is exactly the conversation that this project was put together for.
I rarely hear from anyone who addressed their PE by using numbing condoms. Or sprays, wipes or pills, come to that.
These products can be helpful and they do have their place, as you rightly say. If a numbing spray or condom helps us to last a little bit longer, it proves to us that our bodies can do it. We get to experience what it’s like to be less anxious about our ‘performance’. Even if it’s fleeting, this gives us a useful foundation of experience that we can tap into.
That said, I’d suggest skipping the medication. Pills (dapoxetine, Priligy, an SSRi prescription) can certainly help with lasting longer, but the gain is usually minimal, always temporary and might make the problem worse. For the vast majority of guys, medication really is a last resort.
So let’s talk about longer-term aspirations. You’d like to be able to fuck without pausing, and I think that’s completely achievable. Will you be able to fuck for as long as you desire? Possibly not, because very few guys can. Will you be able to consistently fuck as fast and hard as you desire? Possibly not, because variety of tempo is essential for managing our levels of stimulation and excitement.
But you will be able to have intercourse, without stopping, for as long as most women realistically wish for. Even the women who really, really like it. I try not to get too hung up on times and numbers (as sexual ability is about so much more than timings, as you clearly know), but 20 to 30 minutes is totally doable.
So how do we get from vaguely-possible-if-the-stars-are-in-alignment to totally doable? It takes a holistic approach, an openness to experimentation and a fair amount of patience.
Remember that in purely physiological terms, lifelong early ejaculation isn’t a symptom of anything being broken. It’s the opposite, in fact. Your body is performing the reproductive process just great. We want to wind back this evolutionary advantage that you have, so that you and your partners can enjoy the process for longer.
Overcoming early ejaculation presents a tricky challenge, I’m the first to agree. This is mostly due to all the elements involved, including learned behaviour, expectations, subconscious pattern-matching to past ‘failures’, trait anxiety, masturbation and porn habits and the dynamic we share with our partners.
I like your analogy to cruising at 60-70mph. It’s spot on. The key is learning (and rehearsing) the management of our sexual excitement. One way or another, that applies to every guy on the planet who would like to enjoy sex for longer.
As a starting point, do you know how to relax? I’m talking about deep, whole-body relaxation. And if that’s a yes, can you stay relaxed and have sex? Millions of men don’t come out of the box with this feature preinstalled, for the reproductive reasons mentioned above. This causes them anxiety in their sexual experience and the feedback loop of premature ejaculation.
When clients come to me to work on their PE, relaxation is a starting point. It’s not groundbreaking, I know. Back in 1983, Frankie Goes to Hollywood were promoting the merits of relaxing rather than coming. We work on techniques for balancing relaxation with arousal, and we rehearse cruising in the plateau. It takes some perseverance, but I guarantee that for every guy there’s an approach that works. Sometimes we have to dig for it.
As a therapist who specialises in working face-to-face with guys, I’ll admit that it’s easier to work on the problem in that environment. But I’m also convinced that with the right information and resources, any guy could successfully address the problem independently.
I’m currently in the process of figuring this out and putting these resources together. There’s a taster exercise coming right up on this site – please sign up to get updates if you’d like to be amongst the first to know.
I hope this is helpful John, and I wish you every success.
If you’d like to ask Jason a question or share your experience, feel free to get in touch.
Disclaimer: this site is run and moderated by Jason Dean, a qualified psychotherapist. But he is not your psychotherapist. All content and comment is an expression of opinion, not a medical diagnosis or consultation.
All content is for information purposes only, and is absolutely no substitute for medical advice from your own GP or NHS Choices. Please see the full terms of use.
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