Scared of sex? Overcoming premature ejaculation with a new partner

Mark’s new girlfriend is staying over this weekend. How can he manage his old premature ejaculation worries with a new partner?

Mark writes:

What would your advice be for a guy with a deadline?

I always had premature ejaculation, split with my gf a year ago after being together for 5 years. The PE wasn’t the main problem with us, but it was always difficult between us and the sex just dried up.

I’ve been seeing someone new and it’s going great. She’s hot and funny, seems genuinely into me. I’m seeing her again this weekend (it’s thursday now) and she’s made it clear that she plans to stay over. We haven’t had sex yet but she’s giving all the signals.

I want this and I will do it, and I’m getting increasingly nervous. I’m scared of sex and coming really quickly, just like in the past.

I’m telling myself I’m a grown man, can slow down but it’s giving me anxiety. What can I do about this with just a couple of days to go?

(I responded to Mark directly, but here’s a fuller version of what I said.)

Thanks Mark – that’s a great question.

First of all, I get it. This is a new relationship, you’re both figuring out where you might be in terms of sexual compatibility. She’s clearly into you, you’re into her and you both want sexual fireworks this weekend.

Feeling some nervous anticipation in this situation is completely natural. And I can understand why you are keen to avoid premature ejaculation with your new partner.

Guys who have experienced PE tend to put themselves under immense pressure, especially with someone new. They desperately want to demonstrate that they have sexual-partner potential. They fixate on lasting longer as a way to achieve this.

Remember that of all the things that make a great sexual connection, prolonged intercourse isn’t top of the list for most women.

And ‘too soon’ is completely subjective. For all you know, this girl might not orgasm from intercourse anyway. Research suggests that 20-30% of women prefer receiving oral or touch stimulation to feel fully satisfied.

So with this in mind, what can you do to prepare for this weekend and feel more confident?

I work with guys on a programme of learning how to deeply relax, tune into their arousal and move optimally during sex. This is the most effective approach for overcoming PE and building confidence, and I would recommend that you look into this.

But just like any form of personal development, this approach takes time. Certainly longer than a couple of days.

So in the meantime, here’s what you can do to overcome premature ejaculation with your new partner.

7-11 breathing for relaxed confidence

Firstly, here’s a breathing technique that’s quick to learn and proven to effectively dial down anxiety. You will breathe in for a gentle count of seven, and out for a count of eleven. Aim to inhale deep down into your belly. The key here is the slightly longer outwards breath.

Just a minute or two of 7-11 breathing helps engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which calms both anxious thoughts and physical arousal. You can use this at any time; when you notice yourself worrying or imagining things going wrong, before meeting up with her, right before sex and during sex too.

Breathing fully and deeply during intercourse is something all guys tend to neglect. Either we forget the benefits in the moment, or we feel too self-conscious to do it. So instead, we unconsciously hold our breath or take short, shallow gasps. This ramps up our arousal.

You can try 7-11 breathing right now. Relax, breathe for a couple of minutes and just notice the effects through your body. The more you get into the habit of 7-11 breathing, the more effective it becomes.

Equip yourself with a numbing spray or delay condoms

I don’t endorse any particular brand, but always check the credentials and ingredients of any delay product. Here in the UK, Stud 100 spray is sold by reputable chemists. Or Promescent is another spray option with a good reputation, though slightly more expensive.

Durex Mutual Climax condoms come with a numbing ingredient already applied, so this could be a convenient option too. You’re going to use a condom anyway, right?

These products help to reduce sensitivity and boost your confidence. Just remember to try it out the day before so you can get used to the sensation.

Also wash off any excess spray before touching your partner or she’ll get numbed too. Delay products are a hack rather than a long-term approach (they kinda kill the spontaneity) but this could work well for you right now.

Foreplay and afterplay

Remember that foreplay is your friend here. Not only does this show that you are sexually creative and interesting, but it enables you to acclimatise to your arousal and the stimulation of her touch.

There’s no need to demonstrate every chapter of the kama sutra. Just be playful and ask her what she enjoys. Some moves might physically involve your dick and some may not. You might get hard and soft and hard again; that’s absolutely fine.

Guys tend to rush to intercourse while they still have an erection or before they get too aroused. This can actually result in coming sooner, so it’s a better strategy to enjoy foreplay, breathe and relax into sex.

Be honest about how you feel

Let her know that you have some nerves and you want to enjoy getting to know her sexually. Express it as a compliment and she’ll appreciate it. Chances are she’s feeling some apprehension too, and this will help put you both at ease.

Sometimes guys go into detail about their previous relationship struggles or seek reassurance that things are OK. If we have wobbly sexual confidence, it’s tempting to go into apology mode and try to assure her that next time will be better. This is falling into the trap of performance mode: putting all the expectation and pressure of mutual sexual pleasure onto yourself.

So talk to her, but don’t overload her with your worries. Instead, go into this with your focus on fun, getting to know her, sharing a good time together. Remind yourself that she’s into you already and your connection together is going to evolve and grow as you both figure out what you enjoy.

Remember – it’s not all about lasting

Even if you do come quickly or there’s any kind of awkwardness around that, it’s OK. You can continue with oral or using your touch, or take a break and go for round two. Maintain a sense of humour around all this and let your personality roll with it.

The key takeaway here is to shift from performance thinking to a more realistic outlook. This weekend, you’ll do some breathing to calm down nerves, you’ll try a spray or delay condom to calm down sensation.

But overall, you’ll pay attention to her and connect. By making use of these quick tips, you’ll have more capacity to be yourself and have fun. That’s the main objective, after all.

To help address any hangups about your previous relationship, remind yourself that you’re always growing and learning from experience. We are all on this same journey, and we all have the potential to be better partners and lovers. This is a fine aspiration for any guy to have.

Mark, I wish you a great time together. And remember to breathe!

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