Hi, I’m a 41 year old male with 3 children and a wife. I would consider myself quite healthy and in good shape. I’ve been having trouble with early ejaculation for about 5 years now.
Before that I was probably quite normal and probably like every man, I had the odd bout of early ejaculation. Mostly I believe this happened when I was tired. After our third child I had a vasectomy and in my own opinion since then things have gone downhill. Maybe the vasectomy was just coincidental because I certainly had some control since it on occasions.
Anyway at this moment in time I’m in no man’s land not knowing how to fix this and it is utterly frustrating. My wife has a low sex drive and I’m the complete opposite. This has caused some conflict in the relationship but we’re strong as a couple and we do love each other.
I have back/pelvis trouble at present and I’m not sure if it’s contributing. I went to a urologist for a check up a couple of years back and he more or less laughed it off when I told him about my problem. “You’re too young to go on drugs etc – it’ll pass in time”. I also went to see a sex therapist, who started trying to teach me breathing and tai chi body movements.
During masturbation and oral I can last pretty good. No stopwatch but probably between 5-10 mins. There have been some occasions where things have went well (probably with a few drinks on board) but now it’s very quick nearly all the time. Sometimes just after entry.
Have a prescription for priligy but haven’t used it yet. Tried levitra a few times and once with a lot of alcohol had an amazing session but can’t be doing that all the time. Really I’m just looking for some advice. Confidence is on the floor. My wife and I have spoken about it. She tells me that I’m putting too much pressure on myself – she’s probably right. Just not sure how to turn things around. Any help much appreciated.
Thanks Calvin for sharing your experience here. Most visitors to this blog will be able to relate to your experience and will share your frustrations. Questions about ejaculation after a vasectomy are commonplace too.
Let’s begin with the positive: you’re in good physical shape and the urologist checkup confirmed this. Maybe the doc could have been a bit more sympathetic, but his suggestion that “it’ll pass in time” is a positive reframe. Sometimes, this is all the professional reassurance we need to prevent a performance worry spiralling into full-blown dysfunction.
But what if premature ejaculation doesn’t go away by itself? Well, we always have options and a more proactive approach is called for.
When I speak to guys who identify when their PE struggles began, I always explore with them what might have been happening around that time. You mentioned your vasectomy, so let’s consider the possible relevance of that.
The clear assurance from medical professionals is that a vasectomy won’t affect the hormones and physical processes required for erectile function and sexual performance. Some men actually discover that they can last longer after a vasectomy, thanks to the alleviation of their fears around pregnancy.
But what about the psychological impact of having a vasectomy? It is possible for men to experience emotional changes after the procedure. They might feel less masculine or potent, particularly if they have struggled with sexual confidence or relationship discord before the vasectomy.
According to Dr. Charles W. Monteith:
Patients must acknowledge they often leave the vasectomy procedure with the same emotional baggage they brought with them to the procedure … vasectomy is one of the additional life stressors that helps tips the psychological balance.
Underlying anxieties could be brought to the surface by the perceived status change of having a vasectomy. Where we might have been able to park our anxieties during sex, the prospect of sexual intimacy and performance now becomes a trigger for them. Premature ejaculation is a clear symptom of anxiety in this scenario.
Couples who have experienced marital or sexual compatibility problems are particularly prone to consequences after vasectomy. Premature ejaculation and erectile difficulty introduces additional layers of complication. Guys feel awkward about wanting and approaching sex, then feel bad about the experience afterwards. The frequency of sex declines and the emotional pressure and anxiety around sex fills the space.
Another possible consequence of vasectomy is a squeamishness around ejaculation. In the weeks following the procedure, it’s common to experience some mild discomfort when ejaculating. This is normal and soon passes, but some men report lasting feelings of apprehension around orgasm. This can prompt a subconscious desire to get it over and done with quickly, or an inability to reach orgasm in some cases.
If any of this might apply to you, it’s important to note that underlying issues or consequences can always be identified and addressed. Sometimes it’s the changes that we experience (different life circumstances, new partners, recovery from illness or a medical procedure) that bring new perspective to problems that we might have previously ignored or avoided. Sometimes we need to take stock of our previous attempts to address a problem: what might have been helpful, what might have changed since and what can we try next.
You also mention back and pelvis trouble, and this might be contributing to the problem. Pain and injury, particularly around the pelvis, can affect our sexual movement, breathing patterns and muscle tension. These factors are subtle and you may not even be aware, but they can restrict your ability to manage your sexual excitement.
Deep, relaxed breathing isn’t the simple solution to PE that it is sometimes touted to be, but try to be mindful of your breathing and movement during sex. It can certainly help and there is more information on this site about the benefits of body awareness.
Being able to discuss the issue with your wife is a major positive, and she is indeed probably right. The biggest block to lasting intercourse is usually between our ears rather than between our legs. Most guys find that they last longer when masturbating or during foreplay with their partners, which pretty much confirms this fact. Lowering your levels of anxiety and performance pressure around intercourse is key here.
Pills such as Priligy can be useful in overcoming PE but they are not the solution. To help turn things around, I would suggest that you keep up the conversation with your wife and take full advantage of her support and understanding. Remember that this is an extremely common issue for millions of couples and it presents an opportunity for you to bond and work together.
Couples often find it helpful to take intercourse off the menu for a while and explore other ways to get each other off. As you both get used to enjoying your bodies together without the pressures and performance anxieties, you can gradually reintroduce intercourse without it being the linchpin of your entire sexual connection.
Kudos to you, Calvin, for opening up to this issue and exploring different avenues for a solution. I hope these suggestions are useful and I wish you and your wife every success.
If you’d like to ask Jason a question or share your experience, feel free to get in touch.
Disclaimer: this site is run and moderated by Jason Dean, a qualified psychotherapist. But he is not your psychotherapist. All content and comment is an expression of opinion, not a medical diagnosis or consultation.