Ever had that thing where you’re making out or playing around with your partner, and you realise you’re close to orgasm – but you’re barely being touched?
Paul came to see me after struggling with premature ejaculation for quite a few years.
Why was he seeking help now? Well, partly because he’d always been too embarrassed. But mainly after having this very experience.
Relaxed but oh!
He said he was on holiday, feeling relaxed and sun-kissed, and having holiday sex with his wife. What’s not to like? He was giving her oral sex – going down – and laying flat on his front for comfort. His wife was clearly appreciating this activity.
But Paul started to panic. Just the stimulation of lying that way, and the minor movements of his head, was getting him close to coming. Right there, just like that. He didn’t want to ejaculate. This was supposed to be foreplay.
This freaked Paul out: on his own, he could lie on his front, even aroused. He could make all kinds of movements, for ages, and it wouldn’t get him off. It’s not enough stimulation.
Why do we ejaculate with minimal touch?
So what is it about going down on his wife? What’s propelling him from 0 to 100 so quickly? Is that what premature ejaculation is?
The difference is the presence of his wife, of course. And the sexual scene: her arousal, the sounds she’s making, her breathing, the movements, the rising temperature, the anticipation of all that’s to come. This is all very exciting.
But it’s tipping him towards orgasm too quickly.
I think a lot of men will be able to relate. Have you ever done that thing where you try to keep going but discreetly lift yourself off the bed in a desperate attempt to minimise the friction? And it doesn’t work, does it?
It’s the sensory excitement and anticipation that’s ramping you up.
And ramping Paul up too. So we could be pretty confident that over-excitement was a factor in his PE. It usually is.
What did we do about this? We followed the plan, getting Paul used to physical relaxation first. Using his breath to let go of tension all the way down through his body. And especially through his pelvis.
And doing some self-stimulation work to get more aware of how excitement feels in his body. Being able to recognise the approach of the point of no return. Not being afraid of it or freaked out by it, but knowing how to wind it back. And when it’s too late.
We used this scenario, this memory of being on holiday, getting it on with his wife, for a bit of mental rehearsal too. Paul had an audio recording to follow. Feeling fully relaxed, picturing the scene, feeling the arousal and excitement, and staying in control.
Using his breath, his focus and ‘zooming out‘. Enjoying but not getting transfixed by his partner’s pleasure.
Keeping going down
And, of course, Paul should keep doing what he’s doing. Giving pleasure in this way, as the main event and not just as a lead-in to intercourse, is good exposure to excitement. And it takes the pressure off his ‘performance’, of course.
So Paul had a few things to work on, and this didn’t get changed overnight. But it didn’t take long either. The physical relaxation work was all new for him and he really got into it. He has untapped potential here, even after years of struggling and putting up.
I hope this gives some insights into how to approach over-excitement. To learn to ride those waves of pleasure that, sometimes, come along before you’ve taken your pants off.